I am not doing well. That happens with grief sometimes. I am going along and I am ok.
Then, suddenly, I am very much not ok.
Right now, I am not ok.
I am struggling to sleep, to act normally, to stop bursting into tears, to make sense of Life, to keep reassuring myself that this is worth it.
I know that Rilke said, "Just keep going - no feeling is final". But the contrary part of me thinks, why? Just keep going toward what? More pain? More loss? More failure? I know I should feel that this is all worth it, but some days I feel like such a sham.
I can speak a good game about "thou mayest", but my broken heart is screaming "F$%# timshel". I am sad and mad and confused. It takes so much energy just to get out of bed the past couple of days that I don't have anything left over.
Grief kills empathy with a chainsaw.
I.just.don't.care...
I want to try to care. The care simply costs too much sometimes. I can't pay the price today.
When I insisted a few weeks ago "I'm ok" to a good friend, she corrected me.
"You are not ok, but you will be."
The one thing I can do today is hold that idea.
I can hold it carefully in my hands, and try not to drop it.
Hold on tightly. It will likely be a long and winding journey. You will come through. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are amazing. You are loved, you are needed, you are appreciated. Keep holding tightly and one by one, you will see more and more of each of these things when you look at yourself. We can see all the wonderful from out here!
ReplyDeleteHold fast to whatever you must. Some moments it simply doesn't matter how many people love you or how full your life it might be, grief is still a lonely, lonely journey. I am not presuming to understand exactly how you feel, but when the moments become unbearably dark, I hold fast to hope. Sometimes just the idea of hope. The scar of my grief is fragile and tender, but it is a scar -- the smallest sign of healing. And that has to be enough for me right now.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do -- even if is just breathing in and out -- is more than enough. Give yourself the freedom to just be with your heartbreak when you need to be. Your spirit is too strong to be broken by this, and you will find your way through it.
I second the words of the wise posters above. Sometimes, just breathing and making it through the day is a success. Hold on to your loved ones and to your friends - even if you can't make it, we can help you :)
ReplyDeleteYou don't always have to be strong - you just need someone to lean on sometimes.