Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all your laughter, and weep, but not all your tears.
The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
This is one of my favorite quotes. (I know. I say that often. I love quotes.)
I have very few items on my bucket list, save this last phrase. I very much want to "laugh all my laughter and weep all my tears." It is my best hope for my Life. I have seen too many people I love shellac their hearts after loss out of fear and pain. I can't say I don't understand. I can't say it isn't tempting. But I want to choose differently. (timshel)
As Hurricane Grief continues to shake my roots, I am pretty sure I am weeping all my tears. I cry at the drop of a hat. No yoga session is without tears. Very few rides into work are dry-eyed. I am so uber-sensitive to casual remarks that tears sometimes appear in my eyes before I can fight them back.
Lately, though, the saltwater rain passes more and more quickly. I am learning not too fight too hard.
I am learning to just let the storm wash over me. It means letting people see me cry in places like Wal-Mart. (Just don't tell me if you see me on the people of Wal-Mart website, please.) It means crying in my van. It means crying in more public places than I ever have. Sometimes it is embarassing, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. No one really stares (especially in Wal-Mart).
As a painful as it is, I trust myself. I can make it through with my heart open. My world is not seasonless... I am so grateful to be here.
So grateful that I cry at Born This Way (I know. I said that before. I still cry. Those lyrics get to me.)
So grateful that I choke up when I am with my friends that I love so much.
So grateful that I tear up when Anthony's teacher sends home a note to tell us he's been announcing the "weather report" in his class every morning over the microphone. It justs makes me so proud that he is brave enough to talk in front of his class like that.
This process is hard. As my sister-in-law says, "we hurt so much because we love so much. And it is worth it.
That post was as beautiful as you are strong. I read somewhere that people cry not because they are weak, but because they have been strong too long. I always hesitate to say I understand what anyone is feeling -- it's a gift when someone shares so honestly -- but I too am living life in deep gratitude and covered in tears. It is possible to be healing and heartbroken at the same time. And there is so much to be grateful for in this profound loss. It is a brave thing to move forward with your heart open and tears streaming down your face.
ReplyDeleteOne of the very first gifts John gave me when we first started dating was a copy of "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, and I remembered that quote right away. Thank you for yet one more lovely memory.
Hi Elizabeth, I am thinking of you & the fam as I often do; and I am struck now with this thought that I hope will help you in some way, although you need not feel compelled to feel that it is helpful (I say that because sometimes it seems that words of comfort SHOULD be accepted as comforting. Rest assured there is no SHOULD I am sending your way). I just really thought to myself...someday, you will be able to help someone else passing through wracking grief. You will be well equipped. This may not help you feel better now, but I bet when the time comes it will feel SO good. Here's looking forward to the days when you feel SO good. Until then, be sure to keep up with taking your vitamins (those were my dad's words of advice to me during the days after Bob died. Isn't that sweet. and really, is good advice). Love Cheryl (Carrico)....not sure if this will even allow me to post
ReplyDeleteThank you both, sweet ladies.
ReplyDeletehelen, it is a gift to know that John gave you The Prophet. I never knew that. Your kind words mean so much.
Cheryl, I have often thought about you too. It does help, the knowledge that someday I can then to someone and possibly help. And it will feel so good. Vitamins also help. :) Thank you...