I am a bit of a reader. I have not read much since John died. Other people's drama just does not seem very interesting to me right now.
However, I have taken comfort lately from flipping through one of my favorite books ,East of Eden by John Steinbeck. It is an amazing book.
In one scene, two characters discuss the nature of God's edict for humans. Some Bible versions command "Thou shalt triumph over sin" and some rejoice in the predestination that "Thou surely will triumph over sin". Sam and Lee are not sure which is correct. In the story, Lee takes this question back to his elderly spiritual advisors in China, who study the question over many years. They believe they find the answer in the ancient Hebrew translation.
The original phrase is timshel. The best translation is "Thou mayest". Timshel becomes one of the main themes throughout the book.
Timshel has become one of my mantras in the past few weeks.
I think I now truly understand this idea of acceptance that I have been grasping for these last two years. Timshel...Thou mayest.
Thou mayest open your heart and heal. No one is forcing me. My friends and family do not ever judge me for talking (extensively) about my pain and fear and insecurities. But I MAY let them go. Not because I have to; not because something terrible will happen if it don't. But, because.I.may.
It is my choice to hold on or let go.
It does not mean I will not hurt when I see what every other five-year-old can do and Anthony can't. It doesn't mean it won't sting when I see another flippant comment online about how it is ridiculous to medicate a child for anxiety. I will still cry when I start to dial John's number and realize again that he is gone.
But thou mayest...
I may live with my heart open. I may parent without second guessing myself. I may love knowing I could get hurt.
I may heal. I may laugh. I may hope.
Anthony has started kindergarten this past week. Add that to a visit to Kentucky for John's memorial, and we have had some anxious nights. It will get better. Or it won't and we will go back to the pediatrician for help.
John's memorial service this past Saturday was a joyful celebration of his Life, but leaving my family behind was very painful. Life gets easier, then gets harder. That is Life.
It is all worth it. I am not voluntarily leaving this dance floor yet...not when I feel like I am finally learning some fun steps. I still gots some moves.
Timshel.
Beautifully said. And I am always here to listen or to talk.
ReplyDeleteI go back to my favorite quote:
"Everything in life starts small and gets bigger. Except for bad things. Those start big and get smaller."
Or got with Dilbert - who says, which I don't understand, but you might :)
"The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers."
You express everything so beautifully, Elizabeth. I like this idea of "timshel" ... I think perhaps it helps to explain what I've been living through and didn't know how to put it into words. And you share this wonderful gift with the rest of us. Thank you so much. And it is absolutely all worth it. John taught me that.
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