Where is the zen in screaming?

Where is the zen in screaming?

I ask myself that sometimes. I realize that I am in charge of my inner peace. I realize that the only thing I can control is my reaction. Then, my precious, complicated, anxious five-year old son starts screaming his frustrations at me. He is severely speech delayed, but his only diagnosis(so far) is social phobia. His anxiety level is often quite high.

And though he is mostly inarticulate during the screaming, all I hear from him is that he needs something that I cannot give him. Every molecule in my body gets drawn into that place with him. No matter how I work at trying to stay calm...stay calm...stay calm...

I feel my desperation rise and burst into tears. And I think "where is the zen" And I then hold him until he calms down, and wonder what he is thinking, what he needs, will this ever get better. I love him so much. He is so worth it.

In the good moments, I feel the deep peace of being his mother. In the happy moments, I have faith he will be ok. In the bad moments, I wonder how I can ever be good enough to give him what he needs. In the scary moments, I worry how he will ever make it in kindergarten if he refuses to talk. Most moments, I try to guess my way through motherhood and hope for best, trusting the peace is still there just waiting for us.