Hell and Back

As the spring semester comes to a close, it is my habit to look back at the year and evaluate it.

The past few days have been really emotional as I have done just that.  I am not usually a proponent of trotting out my laundry list of challenges, but I think that at this moment it might be useful.

Here are the most difficult challenges of my school year and what I've learned:

• My son's speech - We started the school year having our little guy evaluated for Autism Spectrum Disorder.  It turned out that he is not on the spectrum.  He has been in a local Bright Beginnings program this past school year, and I am tempted to call them miracle workers.  They are (of course) underpaid, devoted, professional, caring, and brilliant.  He has blossomed under their care, and I am so deeply grateful to these women.  I have learned in the past year that this kiddo will probably have many speech (and occupational) therapists throughout his Life, but he'll only have one mother.  My energy is best spent working at being a better mother, and letting some of the speech therapy go.
  
• My son's anxiety - For the first time since he was two, we have entire car rides with no screaming.  He wakes up the morning happy and looking forward to the day.  I can clearly see what a change this had made in his Life, but I had not fathomed what a change that it would make in my Life.  To not be screamed at is a lovely, luxurious feeling.  It makes me sad for our family that we lived through years of this before we found some relief.  The decision to put him on medication was the most excruciating decision I have made as a parent, and my heart goes out to parents that have to make those kind of tough, high stakes choices often.  I have learned that I am stronger than I tell myself.  I can handle what comes... I think.
• My father-in-law's death - My father-in-law died on December 23rd.  He was a thoughtful, haunted man who I loved very much.   I re-learned what an amazing man my husband is.  He has crawled through his grief and has never taken the easy way out of his pain.  He has faced each horrendous moment of this awful Journey with bravery and love.  He is my hero.  I cannot imagine my Life without him.

When I was discussing with my husband last night how much I am processing what we've been through, I mentioned that I feel like our family has been to Hell and back.  He responded "you never really get back."
Maybe he's right.   Maybe we never get all the way back.  Maybe I'm just resting on a park bench in purgatory.  I'll take it, and be thankful.