I am most intimidated in a room full of moms.
I have felt this way since Sophie was a baby (ten years ago) and have never quite shaken it.
I consistently feel like a fraud when attending elementary school events.
I always have the notion that the other moms see me as inadequate.
I know...
...it is me....it is not them.
...they are not doing or saying anything that a rational person would see as judgmental.
These are my crazy issues - they are sticky and not easy to pin down (working, being a mom, trying to balance, failing to balance well, having a special needs child, not accepting help graciously, and so on, take your pick...).
I have gads of issues and consider them fodder for years of blogging.
The important aspect to me is how I deal with this challenge. I want to be good. I want to do good. I want to serve the school and these fabulous children and their wonderful families. So, I keep trying. I keep going. (I keep being very uncomfortable.)
Here is what I don't know...
How long and far should I take the discomfort? How much can I contribute when I keep sending out emotional pricklies in my aura? Should I just accept that my best contribution is to send the cookies/check/napkins/M&Ms and stay away? Do other moms feel this way? How can I hide my feelings better until I get past these issues?
Again, I my struggle is with the practicality of living my beliefs.
(Subtitled) How do I model for my kiddos acceptance of who I am, while also modeling willingness to be uncomfortable for emotional growth?
How hard is too hard? How uncomfortable is too uncomfortable?
This is an answer I have to find for myself. And I will...probably the day Anthony graduates. sigh.
I struggle with the same issues, Liz. When the children were younger, b/c I felt such a strong need to give back, I would volunteer to organize the Christmas class party. I don't do arts and crafts. My kids never took home a pretty new ornament for the Christmas tree or a gingerbread house, unlike the other classes. I'm best at getting kids to run around and act crazy. So my parties were games oriented. Thinking/planning the party stressed me out for days but the kids always had fun - and my children weren't too embarrassed to have me in charge. At other events, I would send plates/cookies/money but not my time. Take your pick, do it to the best of your ability without thinking how other mothers would do it, push the comfort zone boundaries a little bit further each time, then back off. It's good enough. Unfortunately, I also feel like a fraud in a room full of colleagues, whether in my discipline or not. And like you, it's my issues, not theirs. I look forward to your many years of blogging, as I'm sure to find your musings useful to my own Life journey.
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We/they all feel the same way. A situational mantra has been very useful for me. Here it is. "It is a fact that people are being more judgmental of themselves in a public place than of others. In addition, the people who are judgmental are just being so in response to their fear of judgment." It's the whole they are more scared of you than you are of them theory. We are all just polar (people) molecules floating around in a (community) hydrogen bond. You are such a wonderfully positive individual, and every time you put yourself out there, you are adding to the positive charge of the universe. This community is privileged to have you in it, no matter what the extent. In my opinion, the only rule is to give only as much as your energy economy can afford, and only you know what that is.
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