Although excitement (peppered with dread) over Thanksgiving is building, we are having another calm moment in our household.
Anthony is...Anthony. We continue to manage his anxiety - some days well, some days not so well. We continue to balance his needs with...everything else as best we can everyday. He is ok right now. There is a good chance of getting through November and December without having to adjust anyone's medication (for once).
I know that this first holiday season without my father-in-law and without John will be difficult. The wounds are still pretty raw. Chris and I are managing to keep it together for our day-to-day schedule right now, but I know that the craziness of celebrating these next few weeks will amplify every emotion and memory.
This "being an adult thing" means I need to figure out how to heal without stopping every day Life. I have to grieve while working, cooking, nurturing, lecturing about eye-rolling, band-aiding, toasting Eggos (which we should buy stock in, btw, for as many as we eat), and daily planning...
This is painful... and hard...and a blessing. I am grateful that I am denied the opportunity to wallow, as wallowing is oft my wont (I really like that phrase).
So, my challenge is to quietly acknowledge those tough moments while remembering the fun ones. (Remember when John stuck gummy worms up his nose at the Thanksgiving table while Mom was talking to Great-Aunt Margaret on the phone, and we all got in so much trouble? Sweet Aunt Margaret was quite deaf so Mom was screaming (she was the original screaming zen momma) her side of the conversation while shooting us daggers with her eyes.)
I want to lovingly respect the mark these men have made on my Life (Remember how Mr. Carrico loved Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? He could practically recite the movie by heart. We always watched it together or called each other when we were watching it on Thanksgiving. He giggled uncontrollably at the same place in the movie every year.)
I slipped seamlessly from Thanksgivings with John to Thanksgivings with Mr. Carrico when I got married. They are both large parts of those seasonal traditions. It makes me so sad to know that's gone.
However, it is important that I celebrate the Thanksgiving in front of me. It is the most sacred of holidays (holy days) to me; partly because almost every happy childhood memory associated with it is untainted with any guilt or loss or shame; partly because it has always been so special to my family; but mainly because thanks giving is what I feel Life comes down to.
My Thanksgiving Prayer
Look down my table
The table at which I am sitting right now
not at the table I was last year
not at the table I wish I could be
This one
Right here
Look at these people
The people at whom I am looking right now
not at the people I saw last year
not at the people I miss in my heart
These people
Right here
Thank you
Now, let's eat...
