Letting Go of Letting Go

I'm at that stage of grief where I feel... better. There are days where I feel...happy.

I am not crying all the time. I am not sad all the time. I am not slugging through my grief all the time.

As I write those sentences, I have this overwhelming sense of shame.
How could I possibly be happy?
What kind of sister am I?


There is this weird comfort in grief that is slightly addictive.  I have given myself lots of passes since July.  I have avoided major decisions, long-term planning, and unpleasantness in general all in the name of healing and grieving.  I need to rejoin the human race.  It is time.

...But I feel guilty...
Guilty that he died and I am still here.
Guilty that I am stress-testing and checking out my heart because he died.
Guilty that anything good can come of his dying so young.


I feel good, and I feel bad about feeling good, and not just from guilt.

There is an additional sense of loss as the worst of my grief fades.  Unconsciously, I feel myself holding on to the pain, scared I will lose that sense of closeness to John.  I find myself worried about what will be left of him in my heart when the sadness goes.


And, of course, the rational (and occasionally wise) part of me knows...  I know John would want me to live.  I know John would want me to take care of myself.  I know John would want me to be happy.

I know that deliberately prolonging my pain is no testimonial of my love for him.

I know on the other side of the River Grief is a place where I can remember him with a smile.
I know that I will never completely lose him.

Right now, I am scared and ashamed.  But I know that I am not alone.  So many people have traveled this path. I find deep comfort in knowing that.

Testing...Testing

Part I
Can you get an A on a stress test?

I am going for a stress test tomorrow. Tell a teacher she needs a test (any test) and she will try to study for it. I have been eating quite healthily the past few days and walking extra fast during exercise. I do NOT want to be the 40-year-old who passes out on the treadmill. I am not worried...really. I am not sure what I think or feel about this test. I am not sure what I want from this test. I know that my doctor thinks it is a good idea, and my husband very, very much wants me checked out. I guess my best hope is

to get to know my heart better...to respect my body by learning more about it.

I will be honest. I am not looking forward to it, but I recognize the good that can come out of it (and Chris is going with me). :)

Part II

I talked to Anthony's speech therapist today. I just wanted to check in with her to see how he is doing. She has not finished the beginning of the year tests yet, but she has some results.

When we first started with speech therapy two years ago, we had many speech concerns. One of the biggest worries was his receptive communication. On average, 3 year olds have higher receptive language than expressive language. In other words, most preschoolers understand more than they can say. In Anthony, that was not the case. His receptive language was lower than his expressive. During his first round of testing, he scored three standard deviations below the mean in receptive language. His language was less than the 5th percentile. For non-stats people, that is quite far below his age group. Right now, his receptive language is testing just ONE standard deviation below the mean. He is testing at the 40th percentile for his age group.

I was ecstatic! This is amazing news to me. I had not dared to hope that he would be catching up at this rate. He is clearly working very hard and I am so proud of him. And, of course, I am extremely relieved that he is progressing faster than he is aging...

As I was mentally cartwheeling all the way home, I realized how much motherhood has changed me. That I am a reformed grade-grubbing, score-crazy overachiever tickled pink for her son scoring in the 40th percentile. I swear this kid could win the Nobel Peace Prize and this will be the moment I remember as my proudest...


Scores...grades...tests

They are necessary. We need to know where we can improve. We should identify areas of concern. Once all the useful information is obtained, though, I find it a good idea to let them go. They are a snapshot of one aspect of myself. They do not measure anything important about who I really am.

There is no grade for Life...I think. If there is, I'm really hoping for some extra credit right before the final.